May I present the next chapter of the Wine School of the Idea of Progress:

A Somewhat Accurate Guide to Choosing a Bottle of Wine While Knowing Nothing About It

No matter how much you may know about wine, at some point you will be confronted with a selection that you know nothing about. There may be regions you are unfamiliar with, grapes you never heard of, and vintages you are unsure of. How do you know what will be worth buying if you’ve got no idea of what you are doing?

I’ve got a few useful tips that I’ve picked up over the years. They’re not 100% accurate, but they’ve served me pretty well. When I need to buy a bottle, and have no idea what anything is, here are some of the things I take into consideration.

The Label

No, you shouldn’t necessarily choose a wine by how pretty the label is. But there’s one odd thing I’ve noticed about good wines and their labels. Is the label a matte finish or a glossy one? For some reason, the chances of getting a good wine are higher when the label is matte rather than glossy. I can only speculate as to why (and this leads to a second tip)–The more the winery is trying to draw your attention to their label, via shiny labels, pretty pictures, etc., the less likely the wine speaks for itself.

The Bottle

Pick up the bottle. Is it heavy or light? Does the glass feel thick or thin? Feel the bottom of the bottle. Does it have an indentation (called the punt)? How deep is the indentation?

Another thing I’ve noticed is that the more money a winery spent on their bottles, the better the chance that the wine inside is worth protecting. If the bottle is heavy, that’s a good sign. If it has a deep punt (all jokes aside), that’s a good sign, too. If the bottom of the bottle is flat, that’s a very, very bad sign, and I’d generally stay away. The exception to this rule are German and Alsatian white wines (or wines in this style). Their bottles are tall and slender and either green or brown in color. They always have a flat base, no matter how good they are.

The Importer

Some people have a really great job, which is to be a wine importer. Basically, what they get to do is go around and taste wine all over Europe and import the ones that they like. The most well known of these have their names right on the bottle. If you see something on a bottle of wine like “A Kermit Lynch Selection” or “Selected by Eric Solomon,” that’s a good sign, because they were willing to put their name on the label, signaling that they approve. If someone’s name on the bottle, that’s always a positive (this typically appears on the back label).

The Region

A good rule of thumb to have is “The larger the region, the weaker the wine.” If the wine only identifies itself as “California Wine” or “French Wine,” the chances for it to be good are significantly less that one labeled “Sonoma Coast” or “Bordeaux.” The reason for this is that if it just says ‘California” that means they can source grapes from all over California, from the good, expensive regions (like Napa) as well as the cheap, high producing but inferior regions (the Central Coast). If it says “Napa Valley, that means ALL of the grapes have to come from there, giving you a more focused and probably superior product. This rule holds fast for the entire world of wine.

The Store

Never buy wine in a supermarket. With the rare, rare exception, they all suck. Stores like Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s are a little bit different–they specialize in wine, and will have someone there who can help you out. But don’t buy wine in a supermarket, unless you are buying champagne (since they often will carry Veuve Cliquot or Moet & Chandon). Go to a wine shop, or to a Whole Foods or Trader Joes. Or even Costco, who generally have a few good items there. Places like these will provide someone who works there, who generally knows their wine, or at least knows something about their stock. Ask these people. If they’re not any help, follow the above rules.

Following these rules will not guarantee you a superior bottle of wine, but they will give you a fighting chance. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave a comment below.

Good luck!

Well, it can. So let’s go over a few easy tips to make you look like an expert when you’re out dining. There re going to be exceptions to everything I write. There’s always exceptions in the world of wine, but these are good general rules to follow.

First and foremost, don’t panic. When in doubt, just drink what you want. Don’t let it ruin your meal. Really. It’s better to drink wine than soda, so just go with it.

Okay, assuming you want to actually begin pairing, how do you do it?

The Easy Way

The easiest way is color. What is the color of the meat you are eating? Red meat? Red wine. Fish? White wine. Chicken? White wine.

Look how simple that was. When in doubt, follow that rule. It’s a good one, and even works for fish like salmon. Salmon is actually pink to red, so which do you choose? Either! Simple, huh?

But you’re not reading this for generalities, you’re reading this for specifics, so let’s get down to it.

There are two ways to pair wine with food. You either choose a wine whose qualities reflect those of the food, or one that contrasts. Both are valid approaches, although I generally prefer the latter.

Reflection

The idea of this would be to have the wine and the food contain similar qualities. A sweet dessert with a sweet wine, for instance. A rich, creamy dish with a rich, creamy wine. In some instances this can work wonders (fois gras and Sauternes, anyone?), but I generally find it bland and boring. It’s like having bass and treble on your stereo. You don’t want all bass, and you don’t want all treble. You want the two to complement each other, giving you both power and definition.

But there is one aspect of this type of pairing that works well, and that is the fruit aspect. If you have a dish with lemon overtones, it can be interesting for the wine to also have this. Pork is a sweeter meat, and is great with a sweeter wine.

Contrasting

This is more how I think. Take for instance fettuccine alfredo. It’s what I think of when I think of a cream-based dish. Now, the dish is rich enough on it’s own. You can cut through this with a wine with a little acid to it, like a pinot grigio. The acid in the wine balances out with the richness of the cream, making the wine less biting and the dish less heavy. A dish with lemons in it might do better with a creamy Chardonnay than an acidic Sauvignon Blanc.

This also works with spicy food. The best pairing for spiciness is sweetness, which makes the heat more tolerable. So a spicy Thai curry would go well with a sweeter German Riesling or Gewurtztraminer than it would with a Chardonnay.

A note on sweetness and dryness. The word ‘dry’ refers to the sugar content in the wine. When grapes are harvested, they contain sugar, which when fermented turns into alcohol. If the winemaker allows all of the sugar to turn into alcohol, you have a dry wine. If they stop the process early, leaving some sugar behind, you have a sweet wine. Therefore, virtually all red wine is dry (the exception being port). Again, almost all red wine is dry, because it has no sugar in it. Red wines are often fruity or fruit forward (like some Merlots and Pinot Noirs), but they aren’t sweet. So instead of ordering a dry red, it’s more accurate (and helpful to the waiter/ sommelier/ person in wine shop) to describe a wine that is less fruit forward, or more tannic, or earthy. Describing a red as dry is a big pet peeve of mine. Now, white wines are occasionally sweet, so describing a white as dry is an accurate word to use, because it could be either. Moving on.

Remember, a heavy food should have an equally heavy wine. Delicate food, delicate wines, and vice versa.

Common Pairings

Let’s go through some common pairings.

Steak: One of the few foods that are good with tannic wines. Tannins come from the skins and seeds of the grapes, or the barrels the wine is aged in. What do tannins taste like? Have you ever made a cup of tea, and left the tea bag in too long? You get a dry, puckering feeling in your mouth, that you feel all the way up your jaw line. Your gums stick to the inside of your lips (we’ll go into tannins in another post, but that’s what they taste like). The protein in the steak and the tannins in the wine have some sort of lovely synergy, making both taste extra yummy. You can try for a really oaky, buttery Chardonnay, but generally white wine is overpowered by the meat. It won’t make your steak taste bad, but you really won’t be able to taste your wine, so why bother?

Pairs with: Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Bordeaux, Syrah, Cotes-du-Rhone, Barolo, Brunello di Montalcino

Chicken: The nice thing about chicken is that not only does everything taste like it, but it goes with pretty much everything. I personally preferred Pinot Noir with my roasted chicken (in my carnivore days), but it’s really hard to fuck this one up. Drink whatever you want.

Pairs with: Everything

Fish: This depends on the fish, but almost always white wine (the most common exceptions being salmon and swordfish). Red wine has the effect of making both the wine and fish taste like tin foil, so I always avoid it. You want to drink cabernet and eat that tilapia? It ain’t gonna happen, friend.

Fish is one of the examples of wine that reflects often working better than one that contrasts. If the fish is in some kind of a butter sauce, something buttery like a California Chardonnay will probably be really good with it. If the fish has a sweeter quality, go with a sweeter white (something off dry, like a Vouvray or Chenin Blanc).

Pairs with: Sauvignon Blanc, Vouvray, Chenin Blanc, Arneis, Chardonnay

Pork: As I mentioned before, pork tends to be a sweeter meat, so a sweeter wine tends t bring out the best in it, although a fruit forward, non-tannic red can work also.

Pairs with: Riesling, Vouvray, Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Beaujolais

When In Doubt: Wines That Work With Everything

What if a food is full of strange and contrasting ingredients, and you don’t know what to serve with it? Here are a few easy pairings that I keep in my pocket.

Champagne and sparkling wine: Goes with almost everything but steak. People don’t drink enough Champagne for some weird reason, saving it for special occasions and the like. Why? It’s great, it goes with everything, and it’s fun to drink. So crack a bottle!

Rose: A dry rose (NOT WHITE ZINFANDEL) is the great equalizer. It’s my favorite summer wine, because it’s cold and simple, and pairs with everything. It’s a great wine to have at Thanksgiving as well, which is a really hard meal to pair wines with, because of all of the contrasting flavors. Almost every American winery makes a rose, too, and the best part is that most of them are cheap, which lets you drink something like Cakebread, but only have to spend $15 (when their whites and reds start in the $30 range, and go up from there).

Vouvray: This is a white wine from the Loire region of France, made with Chenin Blanc grapes. It is usually demi-sec, which means just a little bit sweet. Another great wine to sit on your porch and drink. and it goes with most foods, too. And you can usually find a bottle for less than $10!

Cru Beaujolais: Beaujolais is an area in France that is well known for making a wine called Beaujolais Nouveau. That wine comes out the third Thursday in November every year. It’s only aged for a few weeks, tastes like bubble gum, and is fun to drink and usually cheap (although with the weakness of the dollar against the euro, has become more expensive in recent years). That’s NOT the wine I’m talking about. They also make good wine as well, although it may not say Beaujolais on the label. Their quality wines are labeled from the town in which they are made (the crus, so to speak). A few are : Morgon, Moulin-auVent, Fleurie, Brouilly.

Any questions?

Coming Next: How to read a wine label

I’m thinking of this as a multi-part series. I don’t feel like writing about the flooding in New York, or the earthquake in SIngapore or the war in Iraq. How about something useful and trivial?

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Today’s wine post is going to be about how to order a bottle properly. I’ll maybe do a little Wine 101 later, if I feel like it. So, let’s take it away.

Let’s assume a wine has been chosen by you or someone else at the table. Your server comes over, and asks you what bottle you want. If you don’t know how to pronounce it, that’s okay. Either point at the bottle on the list for the server to see, or order the bottle by the bin number (which is really there so people won’t be embarrassed by mispronouncing something).

Your server has returned to the table. Now is your time to shine. Here are the steps to follow, and why.

-Your server will present the bottle. This isn’t a theatrical gesture (or shouldn’t be). The bottle is being displayed for a couple of reasons. Is it the right producer? The right grape? The right vintage? Look closely. It was the waiter’s job to get the bottle, but it’s your job to make sure it’s the right one. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Just look and see if it is the 2005 Martinelli Pinot Noir that you ordered. If it is the 2003, or maybe the syrah, tell the waiter that it’s the wrong bottle. Once it’s opened, it’s yours, so make sure.

-The waiter opens the bottle. If it’s a screwcap, don’t be afraid. Plenty of beautiful, artistically made wines are now using screwcaps. Most wines from Australia and New Zealand, for instance. Don’t say something stupid like, “Oh, I don’t drink wine with screwcaps.” That’s just asinine.

Now, if it has a cork, it could either be a real or fake one. There’s nothing wrong with fake corks, either.

If it’s a real one, the server might present it to you, or they might just stick it in their pocket. Personally, I like to see the cork. Is it all dried out, implying that the bottle may have been stored improperly? Is it the right cork? The bottle might have been mislabled. I’ve found corks in bottles that were from a different vintage than the bottle claimed (although this is rare). But do you need to see the cork? It’s up to you.

Should you sniff the cork? Why would anyone do that?

Don’t sniff the cork.

Cork comes from the bark of a type of tree that primarily grows in Portugal. Being a natural product, it can pick up a chemical called 2,4,6-trichloroanisole, or TCA. If it does, it causes what is referred to as “corking” the bottle.

-The waiter pours a little wine in your glass. This is not to see if you like it. You already had the bottle opened. It’s yours. This is to see if the wine is corked. How will you know? There are many things that wine can smell or taste like, from black cherries to cow manure. A wine should never smell like wet cardboard, though. If it smells and tastes like wet cardboard, the wine is probably corked. Not sure? Ask the waiter or manager to try it, or someone else at your table.

This is why wineries are switching away from real corks to other enclosures. You could spend $5 or $500 on a bottle, and it could be corked. But you could spend $5 to $500 on a bottle with a screwcap, and it will always be okay.

Back to the table, though. The server pours a little wine in your glass. Swirl it around if you feel comfortable doing that, otherwise, just take a sip and make sure it doesn’t taste like wet cardboard. Tell the server, “okay.” Or “Go ahead.” Or “It’s great.” Or whatever.

DON’T USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO INSPECT THE COLOR OF THE WINE, OR THE BOTTLE, OR THE LEGS. The server is just going to be standing there, waiting for you to give the okay to pour. The people at the table are waiting to get their wine. Don’t hold it up. Let ‘em go. Afterwards you can do all of this stuff. If you try it while the waiter and the table are waiting, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE. Just sip, and either okay it or not.

In short:

1) Order the bottle
2) Inspect the bottle
3) Taste the wine
4) Approve the bottle (or not).

Deviating from any of these steps makes you an asshole. The people that are most impressive are the ones that can do this in their sleep. Think about Cary Grant. How would he order a bottle (although, it turns out that he actually wasn’t a wine drinker)?

If you or any of your friends disagree with anything I’ve written here (e.g. Sniff the cork! No, you’re tasting the wine to see if you like it! Make sure the wine has good legs before accepting it!)…YOU OR THEY ARE WRONG.

I AM RIGHT.

Trust me.

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Part 2 will be coming along shortly. But if you have any simple wine questions, ask them in a comment below. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll find out. Remember, drinking wine doesn’t make you an asshole, only drinking wine like an asshole.