Uh oh, the cops are here!  Where can you hide the evidence?  In your shoe?  In a garbage can?  Wait, a better idea occurs to you:

Your butt!

This scenerio must have seemed a good one to Jeffery Barrier of Ohio.  Except the fuzz was on to his whole ‘hide cellphone up butt’ master plan, and he was arrested.

See all of the fun facts about the case at the Smoking Gun.

You have come to the Idea of Progress for such answers, and the Idea of Progress will deliver.

2008 will be the year of Huey Lewis and the News.

Workin For a Livin.

I Think I Need a New Drug.

The Power of Love.

And the Official Theme Song of 2008:

It’s Hip to Be Square.

If you don’t believe me, I’m sure you can take the word of Patrick Bateman from American Pyscho on why even he, a serial killer, is a Huey Lewis fan:

For more information on how to make 2008 your Year of Huey Lewis and the News, please visit lewisnews08.com or for those of you on Facebook, please visit Huey Lewis is a Golden God.

And if you need any further reasons, please check out what Johnny Yen discovered about Huey Lewis’s news.

Enjoy a little Power of Love to brighten your day (the extended Back to the Future video starring Doc Brown!).

A shooting on the South Side Friday night left a 32-year-old man in critical condition.
The man got off his bicycle in the 6300 block of South Mozart Street about 5:40 p.m. and began a discussion with three other people, according to police News Affairs Officer John Mirabelli. One of the men then shot the 32-year-old in the spine.

After being shot the man rode his bicycle home and his sister took him to the hospital.

He was taken to Stroger Hospital in “stable” but critical condition, police News Affairs Officer Hector Alfaro said.

No shooter is in custody as of 4:40 p.m. Saturday. Wentworth Area detectives were investigating.

From the Chicago Sun-Times

Woman sets fire to ex-husband’s penis

MOSCOW (Reuters) – A woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was “difficult to predict.”

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

“It was monstrously painful,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

Here’s the deal.

We all know the story of the high school teacher that gets caught with a student. It happens more than we’d care to admit. Here’s a new twist. 38 year old Brenton Wuchae (no I have that age wrong, he’s now 40) married his 16 year old student, Windy Hager. I got Wuchae’s age wrong, because he was 38 when he met her. Windy was 14.

How can they get married, you ask? She’s not legal! Her parents…yes, that’s right, her parents signed a consent form. According to the article, is was an anguishing decision prompted by a desire to have their daughter back in their lives.

“The Hagers contacted police; they even tried to get a restraining order.

“We’ve tried everybody. We’ve been to the law. We’ve been to the school board,” Betty said. “Our family has come and tried to talk to her. We’ve had people on the phone with her for hours — family, friends. We’ve been to our pastor asking for guidance. We’ve been to his pastor.”"

Let me first yell at the parents.

Ahem.

Many people have had teenage daughters that rebel against their parents. Some run around and wear too much makeup and have sex with boys. Some become withdrawn, hide in their bedrooms and listen to the Cure. Some find Jesus. These are all normal things for a teenage girl to do. As painful as it may be to a parent to have a child behave in such a way, there’s not much you can do about it, other than wait until they go away to college and realize they miss you. Your sixteen year old daughter wants to get married? I knew more than one couple when I was her age that were supposedly going to get married because they were in looove. Uh-huh. What do you do when your sixteen year old daughter says that she is going to get married, and wants you to sign the consent form? You say, “NO.”

What do you do when your sixteen year old daughter says she wants to marry, not only a 40 year old man, but her coach at school? You lock her in her room. You call the cops. Dad calls up some of his buddies, and they go and find this teacher that’s been banging his child and beat the crap out of him. All worthwhile reactions.

You don’t sign the damn form.

Second.

What was the reaction of the school she attended?

“The principal of the high school wrote to the Hagers, “I have seen nothing but a cooperative attitude from the teacher, and to the best of my knowledge, he has not had any contact with Windy since then.”

“School officials can’t be responsible for what happens the other hours of the day, and I would think the relationship developed much more outside of school,” said Brian Shaw, an attorney for the school district.

Uh…huh? I’d like to go out on a limb here and say that the school is in fact responsible for the conduct between its employees and its students. I would go as far as to say that there’s probably some legislation lying about that would confirm this. Otherwise, it would be legal and kosher for high school teachers to screw their 18 year old students.

I see a well deserved lawsuit in here somewhere.

Third.

Hey, North Carolina police! This guy is a pedophile! He’s married her at 16? That means he’s been fucking her for two years! 14! 14!!! I mean, that’s got to be illegal even in North Carolina! It’s not Manilla, for Christ’s sake!

Everybody should be ashamed of themselves. The only victim here is this girl, who at 16 doesn’t have a fucking clue, and will probably be pregnant in a month, if she’s not already.

Boo fucking hoo.

Next.

Oh, wait, are we still at war?