I spend a good ten minutes crafting the finest picture of a whale clad in trousers that the world has ever witnessed. I label the file “Mr. Splashy Pants.” I label the post “Mr. Splashy Pants.” I use the name ‘Mr. Splashy Pants’ about a dozen times in the post.
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-It would star the Official Character Actor of the Idea of Progress, Zooey Deschanel.
-It would involve robots, or zombies, or perhaps zombie robots.
-I would cast Dane Cook, only to have him butchered onscreen by a zombie robot.
-I would play the zombie robot.
-It would be rated G.
-It would make children cry.
-It would make you cry.
-I would [...]

Greenpeace has been running a Name the Whale competition in which people can vote for what a particular whale will, cleverly enough, be named. The names are mostly boring, like “Kaimana – means ‘divine power of the ocean’ in Polynesian” or “Sedna – is the name of the Innuit goddess of the oceans.” [...]