I’ve even made threats against his friend, Fernando von Bakonstein.

Now, McGone is of course a louse, but Fernando is cut from a different cloth, as I found out this evening. Seems he was in Chicago for an undisclosed business opportunity and he called up the Idea of Progress to get a beer.

We met at SmallBar in Logan Square for a pint and conversation.

Fernando got there before me. By the time I showed up he had already ordered a drink.

We talked things through, and he very reasonably pointed out to me that to wage war on Mcgone was a foolish thing to do. Why, McGone is but a bug stuck in the mud wedged in the tread of my boots, he said (or something much like it). Why expend the energy stepping on him again and again? Why not perhaps teach him to be more like you? He has so much to learn.

Why Fernando, I said, you are a wise and noble pig. I had never looked at it that way before! You are right. I declare this blog war at an end.

And we drank to peace.

Fernando left before me, pleased that he had been able to broker peace between such warring factions. It was the last time I saw him.

I returned home to find that someone had hacked into the Idea of Progress. Someone calling himself “El Cerdo” of the Pork Liberation Front. He claims to have taken Fernando hostage. If this is true, rest assured that nothing will stand in my way until this brave pig has been liberated from his captors. No mountain too high, no river too wide, no desert too vast.

If you have taken Fernando, El Cerdo, whoever you are, you will pay.

The Idea of Progress has spoken.

And Fernando? We’ll just see about that.

The Idea of Progress was framed.

Google was lead to believe that tIoP was a spam blog.

Google claims that this was the result of a false positive from their little helper robots, who apparently scour the blogosphere in search of crime, sort of like the Transformers, but without the whole transforming or crappy Michael Bay remakes.

tIoP could not access my account, tIoP could not post a lovely entry about common courtesy in movie theaters that he had been composing in his head all day.

The Idea of Progress doesn’t buy that it was a random problem. tIoP knows that someone is trying to put an end to the blog that has not won the Nobel Peace Prize nor the Pulitzer (but did win Sexiest Man Alive), but has nonetheless changed the face of humanity as we now know it.

There is someone out there with his fingerprints all over this. And tIoP is unafraid to air out his suspicions– this madman must be stopped for all that is good and pure in this world, for this soon to be named villain is a threat to our way of life and our very existence. We must draw a line in the sand!

We must rally against…McGone.

Yes, I’ve said it. I hold the International House of Blogcakes responsible for this. It has McGone’s fingerprints all over it.

And I will have my vengeance.

Beware the Ides of Hob!

CHICAGO, IL (Reuters) Suspected JC Penny model McGone escaped from federal custody earlier today in where he was being held in an undisclosed location. Authorities believe that he is headed back to the heavily guarded International House of Blogcakes compound in rural Illinois.

In a video released to the press this afternoon by “readers” of his so-called “blog” McGone, clad in a floppy hat and with his face hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask is viewed saying, “I will not sit idly by and watch The Idea of Progress Day go on as planned. This holiday has the potential to be the single greatest event in human history, and the iHob will never allow it to occur. I would speak in iambic pentameter, and may do in the future, but for now, I choose to speak in the manner of a James Bond villain! Death to the Idea of Progress!”

The Idea of Progress could not be reached for comment. The Idea of Progress Day is an international celebration that occurs annually on November 26th.

More on this story as it develops.

CHICAGO, Illinois- (AP)
Maverick billionaire and suspected inventor of Head On,”Fancy Pants” McGone has escaped from the holding cell where he was currently awaiting trial, charged with assault with deadly puns and second-degree illustration. Although authorities will not comment on where the proprietor of the International House of Blogcakes was being held or the manner of his escape, they warn that he is armed with a laptop and to be considered extremely dangerous.

More on this breaking story as it happens.

Associated Press

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) – In what was described as a “madhouse” by one startled onlooker, followers of the International House of Blogcakes, described by authorities as more of a cult than a religion, took to the streets in protest of the arrest of their leader, celebrity blogger and fashion icon “Mad Dog” McGone.

McGone (age unknown) was apprehended by authorities in Reno this weekend during a routine traffic violation. Arresting officers suspected something amiss when McGone could neither produce identification nor identify what country he was in.

Followers of the reclusive McGone reacted with violence at the events of the weekend. Protests were held in Boise, Topeka and Shanghai, and a candlelight vigil was held outside of the San Diego Comic Convention (though it was not being held at this time of year). Over thirty demonstrators were arrested, and another “sixty or seventy” tasered into submission.

“It was disgusting,” remarked Boise resident Jerry Rasmussen, “People like this shouldn’t be allowed to walk the same streets as the rest of us.”

McGone is due in court in January to face charges of treason, murder in the first degree, and mail fraud. He is the primary suspect in the deaths of nearly 40 small children and farm animals, and has been sought by police for nearly a year.

McGone could not be reached for comment, but a statement was read to the press from his lawyer, Zombie Johnnie Cochrane, “My client is far too feeble-minded to have committed these heinous acts. Perhaps if he was hopped up on goofballs or Jolt, he could have done it. Although now that I mention it, I did see him drinking a Red Bull the other day.”

Some people like McGone.

I met McGone on a trip. He was lost, and couldn’t find his way. He envied me, the carefree lifestyle of The Idea Of Progress, off exploring the wilds of Wisconsin and getting close and personal with adopted character actress Zooey Deschanel. McGone was content spending his time playing games while hanging out in the bathroom.

He was trapped in the International House of Blogcakes.

Behind its windows steamed up with the condensation caused by the sweat of Fact Checker Diego Cezanne (who recently became a citizen of Canada not the United States, as IHOB claimed) laboring over an Ikea catalog, forced to search out the right duvet cover for his boss, behind that oh so grim facade, lies the beginnings of a man. And I’m not talking about Diego.

He may be trying to maintain at threat level BEIGE, but all it will take will be one pilot light blown out on his stove and McGone will be on the path to self-knowledge.

And I will be there.