And I’m guessing Larry won’t be reelected.

At least none of these sex scandals involved People’s Sexiest Man Alive.

-Gillian Gibbons was pardoned by the president of the Sudan for naming a teddy bear Mohammad. She will be heading home today, according to the press, missing out on all of the fun fatwas and riots. Interesting side note- according to her MySpace page she is a Leonard Cohen fan, so she’s cool in my book.

-Sound familiar? A new report released today shows that Iran halted their attempts at making nuclear weapons back in 2003. Hmmm….accusing a country of seeking weapons of mass destruction, and then it turns out we were misled by the administration. So…in what way is this not like Sadaam and the WMDs?

The Super Tuber.

It’s potato with a hole cut out and a hot dog pushed through the center.

Really.

No word on if the hot dog and potato met in an airport bathroom.

The complete recipe:

Super Tuber is a great snack that uses one of my favorite vegetables: The Idaho Potato. Of course, I suppose any type of potato could be used, but I cannot guarantee that a Super Tuber made with anything but a true Idaho potato would taste as good.

Sincerely, Larry E. Craig, United States Senator

Ingredients
1 hot dog, cook’s choice
1 Idaho baking potato, 7 to 10 ounces
Mustard for dipping, any style
Other condiments as desired such as cheese sauce, sour cream, chili, chives, bacon pieces or black olives.

Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through.

To Microwave: Place on microwave safe plate; cover loosely (to avoid splatters). Microwave on high about 4 minutes per potato until fork tender.
To Bake in Conventional Oven: Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Bake for approximately one hour or until potato is fork tender.

To Barbecue: Wrap in aluminum foil and place above medium hot coals, turning at least once during cooking. Cook until potato is fork tender.

Serving Suggestions: Allow potato to cool slightly. Eat as a finger food, dipping in your favorite hot dog condiments (mustard is my favorite).

There’s like no way, man, that Larry Craig is gay.

No way.

Here’s what really happened. I ate Taco Bell for Lunch. You ever eat Taco Bell? I had a chalupa, whatever the hell a chalupa is. I was in a hurry. I’m a very busy man, as you can quite imagine. The chalupa, and the hot sauce I unfortunately put on it, went through me like tax dollars through a Democrat’s fingers (vote Romney!)

I went to the mens’s room to, er… relieve myself. That’s where a man goes to do his business! What a man does in the privacy of his own bathroom should be kept as confidential as our wiretapping records! The bathroom was full (the Taco Bell was, in fact, quite busy, which may or may not be a coincidence), and I waited for a moment for a stall. What happened next was described inaccurately by Keith Olbermann:

I was merely adjusting myself, and looking for the sports section, which I had carelessly dropped behind the bowl. Is that a crime? How could someone insinuate that tapping my foot was in any way an attempt to solicit a sex act?

My fellow Americans, This is a crime against me, and a crime against our great nation.

I’m not gay.