And Fernando? We’ll just see about that.

Beware the Ides of Hob!

CHICAGO, IL (Reuters) Suspected JC Penny model McGone escaped from federal custody earlier today in where he was being held in an undisclosed location. Authorities believe that he is headed back to the heavily guarded International House of Blogcakes compound in rural Illinois.

In a video released to the press this afternoon by “readers” of his so-called “blog” McGone, clad in a floppy hat and with his face hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask is viewed saying, “I will not sit idly by and watch The Idea of Progress Day go on as planned. This holiday has the potential to be the single greatest event in human history, and the iHob will never allow it to occur. I would speak in iambic pentameter, and may do in the future, but for now, I choose to speak in the manner of a James Bond villain! Death to the Idea of Progress!”

The Idea of Progress could not be reached for comment. The Idea of Progress Day is an international celebration that occurs annually on November 26th.

More on this story as it develops.

CHICAGO, Illinois- (AP)
Maverick billionaire and suspected inventor of Head On,”Fancy Pants” McGone has escaped from the holding cell where he was currently awaiting trial, charged with assault with deadly puns and second-degree illustration. Although authorities will not comment on where the proprietor of the International House of Blogcakes was being held or the manner of his escape, they warn that he is armed with a laptop and to be considered extremely dangerous.

More on this breaking story as it happens.

Associated Press

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) – In what was described as a “madhouse” by one startled onlooker, followers of the International House of Blogcakes, described by authorities as more of a cult than a religion, took to the streets in protest of the arrest of their leader, celebrity blogger and fashion icon “Mad Dog” McGone.

McGone (age unknown) was apprehended by authorities in Reno this weekend during a routine traffic violation. Arresting officers suspected something amiss when McGone could neither produce identification nor identify what country he was in.

Followers of the reclusive McGone reacted with violence at the events of the weekend. Protests were held in Boise, Topeka and Shanghai, and a candlelight vigil was held outside of the San Diego Comic Convention (though it was not being held at this time of year). Over thirty demonstrators were arrested, and another “sixty or seventy” tasered into submission.

“It was disgusting,” remarked Boise resident Jerry Rasmussen, “People like this shouldn’t be allowed to walk the same streets as the rest of us.”

McGone is due in court in January to face charges of treason, murder in the first degree, and mail fraud. He is the primary suspect in the deaths of nearly 40 small children and farm animals, and has been sought by police for nearly a year.

McGone could not be reached for comment, but a statement was read to the press from his lawyer, Zombie Johnnie Cochrane, “My client is far too feeble-minded to have committed these heinous acts. Perhaps if he was hopped up on goofballs or Jolt, he could have done it. Although now that I mention it, I did see him drinking a Red Bull the other day.”

McGone could not be reached for comment.

Some people like McGone.

I met McGone on a trip. He was lost, and couldn’t find his way. He envied me, the carefree lifestyle of The Idea Of Progress, off exploring the wilds of Wisconsin and getting close and personal with adopted character actress Zooey Deschanel. McGone was content spending his time playing games while hanging out in the bathroom.

He was trapped in the International House of Blogcakes.

Behind its windows steamed up with the condensation caused by the sweat of Fact Checker Diego Cezanne (who recently became a citizen of Canada not the United States, as IHOB claimed) laboring over an Ikea catalog, forced to search out the right duvet cover for his boss, behind that oh so grim facade, lies the beginnings of a man. And I’m not talking about Diego.

He may be trying to maintain at threat level BEIGE, but all it will take will be one pilot light blown out on his stove and McGone will be on the path to self-knowledge.

And I will be there.