“Halloween,” Dream Syndicate, mp3

(purchase from Amazon)

(no, I didn’t make that)

-The wearing of blackface makeup is not an appropriate Halloween costume.

-The wearing of whiteface makeup (in the manner of the major motion picture White Chicks) really isn’t that funny either, although for entirely different reasons.

-The smashing of pumpkins is not advised, unless you intend on smashing Billy Corgan, which is suggested.

-Jello shots are to be used as a last option, only.

-When looking for a Halloween song to play at your party, “Every Day is Halloween” by Ministry is no longer a viable option, due to the somewhat unsavory nature of the group. May I suggest some Celine Dion or Nickleback?

-When preparing poison and/or razor blade embedded candies for trick or treaters, please remember to use brand name candy. Children simply will not eat an apple or generic sweet, and all of your labor will have been in vain.

There are a lot of great songs in this mix, but I am going to discuss my choices.

1. The Residents, “Harry the Head”
Every time I want scary music, I go right to these guys. What do they look like? No one knows. They’ve been wearing these eyeball costumes for decades. No one even knows if it’s the same people under the costumes for all of those years. They’ve been making aggressively strange music for longer than I’ve been listening to it, and a short bio won’t do them justice. You should read a long one. Harry the Head is about a head. Named Harry.

2. Lordi, “Would You Love a Monsterman”
LORDI! You might wonder why I have included a metal song in my mix. You clearly don’t know who Lordi is, the only Finnish monster metal band to win the Eurovision Song Contest, which is a huge deal in Europe, and almost totally unknown in the US. They’re that good. They make you want to jump up and down and spit fire and and proclaim that metal is KING. And the lead singer’s name is Mr. Lordi. I’m not making that up. Here is the video for the song that won that contest (past winners have included Celine Dion and people that sing like her):

If zombie cheerleaders and a monster rock band performing in a high school gym don’t melt your metal heart, then nothing will. “Would You Love a Monsterman” has a pretty great video, too. They also have a brand of Finnish cola and a restaurant, called “The Rocktaurant.” Best band ever.

3. The Shaggs, “It’s Halloween”
The Shaggs were a family of sisters in rural New Hampshire. Their father decided that his daughters should have a rock band, bought them instruments, and then a couple of months later decided that they should record an album. Problem was, they hadn’t really learned how to, oh, play their instruments. Or keep rhythm. Or sing. The album ended up being one of the greatest pieces of outsider art ever created. The song sounds awful, but just let it wash over you. You’ll love it. It’s charming, unironic and naive. Punk rock at its finest.

4. The Creation, “Nightmares”
The Creation was a groundbreaking psychedelic rock band, the best known purveyors of a strain of psychedelia called ““freakbeat.” You’ve probably head a song of theirs that was featured in Rushmore, “Making Time.” The song used a violin bow on an electric guitar, a technique so awesome that Pete Townsend tried to recruit the guitarist, and Jimmy Page just stole the technique. Future Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood was a member for a while as well.

5. Ashcroft and Bacon, “Unseen Hand”
Yes, that’s future Attorney General John Ashcroft singing. The guy that covered up the nudity on the statue of blind justice. I was actually looking for another song by him (I figured, what’s scarier than a future Bible thumpin’ Attorney General singing?) , and I found this song instead, which sounds even creepier than what I was looking for.

All tracks (and everyone else’s picks) are available for download at I, Splotchy.