-It would involve robots, or zombies, or perhaps zombie robots.

-I would cast Dane Cook, only to have him butchered onscreen by a zombie robot.

-I would play the zombie robot.

-It would be rated G.

-It would make children cry.

-It would make you cry.

-I would make sure to fill it with as many expensive products as I could, in hopes of getting freebies. Such products would include Bentley automobiles, Rolex watches, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

-It would be six hours long. There would be no intermission.

-The trailer would feature a voiceover from the “In a world where…” guy. The voiceover for the trailer would begin, “In a world where…”

-Bono would make a cameo appearance.

-He would be killed by a zombie robot.

-It would be the same zombie robot that killed Dane Cook.

-I would still be playing that zombie robot.

-The zombie robots would also be ninjas.

-The movie will be called Mr. Splashy Pants.

-It will gross $10 trillion on its opening weekend.

-It will open next summer.

Thanks, Katarose!

Prince I get that he plays 4,968 instruments. I understand that he is incredibly prolific, innovative, and is great to dance to. But I hate his tinny drums, his whiny voice, his Casio keyboards and most of all his quote unquote dirty sexy lyrics. And the fact that he insists on spelling “to” with a “2.”

U2* My most hated band, led by my most hated frontman. He must have done something good in a past life to have died and come back as Jesus Christ. Plus, they could have Brian Eno as a producer, and still suck. With Bono’s histronic singing, the Edge’s monotonous guitar work, and their misguided belief that ‘catorce’ follows ‘tres,” I am always surprised how much credit critics and fans give them. And their names? What the fuck is with their pseudonyms? Is Bono a Sonny and Cher fan? Is the Edge supposed to be tough?

The Police*Speaking of pseudonyms, should we be frightened of Sting? Is that supposed to be a scaaaaary name?

Guns’n'Roses I’ve never really been into any of that hair metal crap (although with all honesty, I did have a Def Lepard period in junior high), and most of my peers that listen it now do so ironically, barring those people in New Jersey or Peoria. But G’N'R is that one band that everyone seemed to think rode above the pack, and was worthy of artistic praise as well. Yawn. I actually prefer Velvet Revolver, mostly because I don’t hate Scott Weiland’s voice like I do the caterwauling of Axl Rose (another pseudonym…I’m seeing a pattern here that never occurred to me before).

The Eagles I’ve rarely had more sympathy for a movie character as I had for the Dude in The Big Lebowski when he leaves the Malibu police station after being beaten by the sheriff, only to be stuck in a cab playing the Eagles. Ugh. Music for people who are afraid that they might be challenged.

[cue dreamy harp music]

Bono, wearing trademark douchebag sunglasses, leather jacket, and typical Christ-like sneer, standing with one foot up on a gutted car chassis, holding a starving African child with flies on his/her face, in a sun-bleached desert.

[end harp music]

Amazingly, that isn’t the case. But what he did is just about as asinine. As pointed out by Amelie Gillette in The Hater (from the Onion’s A.V. Club), Bono instead devised 20 different covers in the most awkward game of telephone, ever. Pictures of one celebrity featured with another, starting with Barack Obama and Don Cheadle (they’re both black!), then Obama with Muhummad Ali (black too!), Ali and Queen Rania of Jordan (she’s an Arab! and hot!), Rania and Bono (who does he feel is as attractive as him, plus as powerful? a queen of an oil-rich country!).

It gets more and more ridiculous from there on. Warren Buffet and Chris Rock (what?). Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes (huh?). And one of my personal favorites:

You can just tell that W. is looking at Tutu, thinking, “This guy was great in The Shawshank Redemption!”

You can see all of the covers here.

Bono is such an ass. So many things that you could put on the cover, and you have to go with some mystifying gimmick. Are people supposed to buy all 20? And what the hell is Madonna trying to do to Maya Angelou?

Aside from putting all of the obvious Famous Black People on the covers (The only black people he could find were Oprah? Condie Rice? Chris Rock?), would it have been difficult to find someone who is actually making a difference there? A teacher? A doctor? At least Chris Rock has some sense of humility. He is quoted as saying:

“I went to Mandela’s house, but I didn’t have a sense that he knew who I was; I didn’t have these great accomplishments or anything,” Rock, who helped launch (Red), says. “His kids, grandkids, and security guards knew who I was, but what do you say to Nelson Mandela? This guy’s so great, what the fuck is he doing meeting with me? Is Ja Rule coming in next? Mandela should be meeting with Bono and Oprah … He shouldn’t be meeting with the guy from Pootie Tang.”

When the world is relying on celebrities like Bono and Oprah to change the world (let alone rich white guys like Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, who are trying to atone for past sins like Andrew Carnegie, who gave away much of his wealth in some sort of desperate bid for heaven, like charity can atone for past crimes), we are merely putting a pretty band-aid on the problems. Oh, Oprah and Jay-Z care? Great, now I don’t have to . Those rich folk can solve all of the world’s problems for me.

By the way, is that the most narcissistic photo you’ve ever seen?

—-

Rove, Lying, and Voter Fraud

File this under the catagory of, “Yeah, that’s what I figured.” Have you been paying attention to the whole voter fraud thing? Probably not. Here’s the deal. Republicans are notorious for trying to deny minorities the ability to vote, citing voter fraud as being especially prevelant in areas where people vote Democrat (Jim Crow never died, he just got politically correct). The last election, the one that Kerry folded so quickly on, hinged a little bit on what the Republicans called voter fraud. There wasn’t that big of a stink about it, but when people are contesting votes in states that were as close as Ohio, every one counts.

Where am I going with this? A supposedly non-partisan non-profit group called the American Center for Voting Rights began a ‘civilian’ investigation into what those dastardly minorities were up to. The Justice Department was ordered to make it one of their top priorities. When a bunch of the attorneys came up with the fact that there really wasn’t any voter fraud at all. Then they got fired.

Then Gonzales got caught.

It appears, like the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, that Karl Rove was behind the whole thing. What a non-surprise. Every time something pops up on the political landscape that attempts to manoever the Republican party into a more favorable position of power, but claims to be distinct from the government, well, it’s always this bastard. What, Valerie Plame is unmasked by a newspaper columnist Hmmm….whose work is that?

Ever heard of Cardinal Richelieu?

So, it looks like the American Center for Voting Rights has just vanished, according to Slate. Kind of odd, don’t you think?

Rove is running out of fall guys. I can only imagine the books and movies that will be about this guy in the years to come. He’s like Kissinger, I’m just waiting for him to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

—

Electric Cars For a Midlife Crisis

Why are electric cars only sought after by grad students, vegetarians and Al Gore? Because they don’t appeal to the real car consumer: the 40-something man going through a mid-life crisis. Electric cars aren’t something that men purchase to compensate for their thinning hair and expanding waistlines. That’s what a Corvette is for.

Until now.

There’s a company out in Silicon Valley called Tesla Motors that aims to change all of that. Rather than a bunch of guys from Detroit or Japan, Tesla (named after Nikola Tesla, who basically gave us all of our technology for the 20th century) Tesla is run by a bunch of computer guys, who figured they could do a better job of making an electric car than GM, who royally fucked the whole thing up.

The cars don’t look like those pink bunnies, by the way. Those were made by Tesla Motors for shits and giggles, I guess.

This is what the car looks like.

I don’t go for sports cars, normally, but that’s pretty cool. All electric. 0-60mph in 4 seconds. 250 miles per charge. And you can charge it from a solar station you can install in your house.

Now that’s cool.