Suggestions for a safer and more pleasant Halloween
This is a friendly reminder from the Idea of Progress on activities that may be unwise during this Halloween season:
-The wearing of blackface makeup is not an appropriate Halloween costume.
-The wearing of whiteface makeup (in the manner of the major motion picture White Chicks) really isn’t that funny either, although for entirely different reasons.
-The smashing of pumpkins is not advised, unless you intend on smashing Billy Corgan, which is suggested.
-Jello shots are to be used as a last option, only.
-When looking for a Halloween song to play at your party, “Every Day is Halloween” by Ministry is no longer a viable option, due to the somewhat unsavory nature of the group. May I suggest some Celine Dion or Nickleback?
-When preparing poison and/or razor blade embedded candies for trick or treaters, please remember to use brand name candy. Children simply will not eat an apple or generic sweet, and all of your labor will have been in vain.
Yes, this is a very Grant Miller-esque post. I know. It’s Monday morning. I just started drinking coffee. Give me a break. Have some pity.
We usually give out little airplane-size bottles of booze and either Garcia Vega or White Owl cigars.
I like the term “generic sweet.” It sounds so continental.
I keep individual M&Ms and pennies in my pocket, and when the trick-or-treaters stop, I put a handful in their bags, pocket lint and all.
Soon, I will be known as “Old Man McGone” and they will learn to avoid my house all together. It’s all part of the master plan.
I just hide under my bed with my candy corn till they all fuck off.
Or I open the door naked and show those kids the meaning of horror.
Beth has a great Halloween mix (actually, two of them) over at Cup of Coffey.
There may not be a person I loathe more than Billy Corgan.
if you have bats i’ll go and smash billy corgan with you. i smashed james iha last year and it as so rewarding i decided not to make poison candy
while reading this post, I realized that there is a very pleasant smell in my bedroom. I’m going to give out glade plug-INS for Halloween.
After the last two years of going crazy with the good candy, the little bastards are getting the lamest candy of all this year. Tootsie Roll Jr’s. Take that, Little Mermaid, you ungrateful fishmonger.